Life Recently

I told Patrick many times that if he didn't marry me, i would date someone else, which I didn't actually do until he had his stroke and ended up in a nursing home for four months.Patrick had suffered brain damage and was not exactly a vegetable, but he he didn't have anywhere near the mental and physical capacities that he once had.

I was pretty sure that I no longer wanted to marry Patrick, because i felt that he no longer had anything to offer me except life as his private nurse which wasn't my idea of what I wanted to do with my future.

Had we actually been married,I would have had a far deeper commitment.

During the time Patrick was in the hospital I also ended up in the hospital with a stress related breakdown and met Sam.

Sam came to live at the house and fulfilled his promise to help me out with running the house.I had never run a house before by myself. Patrick had done all the repairs and the coordinating with contractors when one was needed.

I had to be the chief in charge whether I liked it or not. My sister said sometimes life just says"tag, you're it." I had to be the head of my house like it or not. If I couldn't shoulder it, I was heading for a board and care home and God knows where my dogs would possibly go.God sent me Sammy,a homeless man that helped me save my home.

Sam also happens to be blind.God's anointed sure does not look like what we might think they should like like. Jesus certainly didn't.

I did not know exactly when Patrick would return home.I had no intention of kicking Sam out when Patrick returned,and I didn't know how the living situation would work out with both men living under one roof.I felt that my life was on an unavoidable collision course with no good options.

Patrick was crying to me on the phone that he needed to come home to avoid long term nursing home placement. Although I wasn't able to care for him myself, I figured that with a caregiver he might be able to live at home if the house were accommodated.

Although I was now seeing another man, my friendship with Patrick was strong enough for me to be willing to do whatever I could to help.I paid for him to have 250 dollar taxi cab ride home and did whatever I could to prepare the house for in home health.

I told Patrick about my new boyfriend. I guess I had a tough shit attitude towards him about it.I have to admit that I was angry that Patrick had a stroke. Perhaps as close to being angry at God as I have ever been...I am sure Patrick got the brunt of that anger.He wasn't the man he had been...Patrick you are not the man you were...the man I loved was dead and had been replaced by a brain damaged idiot who couldn't even change the batteries on a lightbulb....this man who had been able to fix whatever needed to be fixed, the man who was able to take care of the house and address all my problems was not able to dress himself or get to the toilet without falling.I hated myself and I hated him.I was not quiet about my feelings.